


Traffic

by TheGreatElisaMousy



Series: Chaos in College [7]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Ed is NOT happy, angry phone calls, child trafficking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:47:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22071271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreatElisaMousy/pseuds/TheGreatElisaMousy
Summary: No one really knows what Ed does. They're about to find out.
Relationships: Darkiplier/Wilford Warfstache
Series: Chaos in College [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1570645
Comments: 4
Kudos: 55





	Traffic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Doctor_Discord](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doctor_Discord/gifts).



> So, prefacing with yes, I'm aware opening someone else's mail is a federal offense. CJ does not care. (Also, I lived in a dorm room in college and was only inside a townhouse like, once, so I'm not entirely sure how their mail system goes. Dorm students have mailboxes in the mailroom, but let's just say that students in townhouses get their mail delivered to their door, yeah?) (And another note, this is the Saturday following Royalty is Hot and Worst Kept Secret.)

CJ stretched as he got off the air mattress he and his brother called theirs. Bim was actually scheduled for a bed the previous night, so he wasn't on top of the twins—contrary to what Bim thought, both Jims were _very_ aware that he used them as a bed, but as it didn't wake either of them, it wasn't that big an issue.

As he was the only one up at the moment—though he didn't doubt Wil and/or Bim would be down soon for breakfast—he decided to check if the mail was there yet. Sometimes it arrived first thing in the morning, and sometimes it didn't arrive until late afternoon. There didn't really seem to be any rhyme or reason to it.

Grabbing his key to ensure he didn't accidentally get locked out of the townhouse again, he stepped outside, pleasantly surprised to see a few letters and a package for Google. Might be that replacement wire he'd needed after the incident Monday. He was functioning pretty well for someone not 'firing on all four cylinders'—CJ chuckled to himself at his little joke—but he probably wanted to be fixed as soon as possible.

There was a bill for Dark, which CJ wasn't surprised to see. Dark was almost constantly getting all kinds of bills, and while neither he nor his brother knew what they were for, _or_ how Dark was getting the money to pay them, for that matter, they'd learned to stop asking questions a few decades ago. And digging for information had turned up squat.

The other letter was addressed to Ed. It was forwarded from a company called 'Ed Edgar's Adoptallott's Baby Bulk Buy'. That sounded awfully concerning.

Once he was back inside, he set Google's package on the kitchen table, tossing the bill on top of it before sitting down and tearing into the letter. His eyes only continued to widen as he read:

_Dear Mr. Edgar,_

_I placed an order for three babies last year. I understand that it would take a while, but I didn't expect to only get two. I paid for three: one Japanese, one African, and one Native American. The Native American baby never came. I demand a refund for the baby I never received, or at least a partial refund and a new baby sent as soon as you're able. I am very displeased with your service!_

_A Very Disappointed Customer,_

_Leslie Munroe_

There was a printed out copy of an order receipt and photos included in the envelope. The letter itself was very short, but CJ had to read it four more times before he came to the conclusion that holy _shit_. Ed Edgar, the business major they shared a roof with—the same business major currently staying with a classmate for an all-night study session for a test the following Monday—was a child trafficker.

"Guys, _wake up_!"

* * *

Ed had a really weird feeling when he returned to the townhouse that afternoon. He couldn't quite place his finger on it, but he felt like everyone just kept staring at him. It was more than a little unnerving, and he didn't like it one bit.

They were all gathered in the living room and attached kitchen, eating lunch—simple sandwiches, since no one had the energy to walk all the way to the Union and no one had gone grocery shopping recently—when he finally snapped. "There somethin' you wanna say?" he spat.

"Oh, nothing much," Bim commented.

"We were just wondering if you could explain _this_?" Silver held up an open envelope.

Ed snatched it away, at first only seeing his name on it. "Don't you know it's illegal to open other people's mail?"

"Like you're one to talk about 'illegal activities'," Dr. Iplier said dryly. He looked pointedly back at the envelope and Ed returned his attention to it.

Oh, hell.

Without a word to the others, he grabbed his phone and dialed. The phone picked up on the third ring.

" _Ed Edgar's Adoptallott's—_ "

"I know where I'm callin', Tammy!" he snapped. "Put Dan on!"

" _Oh, boss! Um, he's in a meeting right now..._ "

"I don't care if he's meetin' with the fuckin' president, you get that bastard on the line _now_!"

" _O-Of course. One moment, please._ "

Ed scowled when he heard the hold music. He started pacing, ignoring the ten pairs of eyes following his every movement.

" _Who are you and what do you want? I'm busy_ ," the voice on the other end said when the line finally picked up again.

"Dan, what the _fuck_ did I say about my mail?!" he yelled. "I told you to _scan it and email it to me_ , not forward it in the fucking mail!"

" _But boss, all our scanners were down!_ " his assistant said defensively. Ed didn't like how his haughty tone hadn't changed.

"I don't care! Find a way, type it out, take a picture of the pictures, but _don't_ send it to me in an envelope!" Ed continued. "You got any idea what'll happen if anyone here picks up on this?"

" _Well it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't gone off and left us to run this business for you_ ," Dan replied coolly. _That_ was the wrong thing to say.

"You know full well I came here to make this business run more smoothly!" he roared. "I left you in charge because I thought you were competent enough to do it, but since you couldn't follow a single fucking instruction, it's _clear_ you ain't got a fucking _clue_ what you're doing! And you'd do well to remember who your boss is!" He took a deep breath in a vain attempt to calm down. "I'm comin' to check on things tomorrow, and your shit better be outta my office by then. Put Tammy back on."

" _But—_ "

" _Now_ , Dan."

" _Yes, sir..._ "

More hold music, and Tammy picked up again.

"Congratulations, Tammy, you've just been promoted to executive assistant," he told her.

He could just imagine the surprised, slack-jawed look on her face during the brief silence that followed. " _B-but boss, I'm just a receptionist. I'm not qualified to—_ "

Ed rolled his eyes. "You've been with me since the beginning, you know how it runs better than anyone, you're _more_ than qualified. So, like I said, you're promoted, effective immediately. You're in charge until I'm outta here."

Another silence. " _I... Thank you._ "

"That doesn't mean you're getting a raise."

" _I expect nothing less,_ " she replied, but there was amusement in her voice. He should've just put her in charge in the first place. Without a proper goodbye, he hung up.

Everyone was still staring at him. "What?" he asked.

"Ed," Dark said slowly. "You sell children on the black market. Forgive us if we're a little... taken aback."

He rolled his eyes. "Like you got any room to talk, _demon_. Your boyfriend keeps threatening to shoot us."

This time, Wil rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. _Somehow_ , his revolver was back in his hand, though no one had seen him pull it out. "You'd be fine," he replied. "You wouldn't _stay_ dead, you'd get back up."

"The fuck are you talking about?" Ed asked, but a sharp look from Dark had him shutting up. The demon may have said he wouldn't kill any of them, but he could very easily change his mind at any moment.

King cleared his throat. "Um, back to the matter at hand," he began. "How do you... _get_ these children?"

"We got a bunch of donor women that work for us, they have their babies and give them to us," he replied smoothly, skirting over the details of said donor women. "Or, sometimes we end up taking some."

"You mean kidnapping," the Jims said in unison.

Ed shrugged. "Tomato, tomato."

"You realize that people sleazy enough to _buy_ children, on the black market, no less, might not exactly be the kind of people you'd want to be a parent, right?" Dr. Iplier asked.

"There's a vetting process," he defended. "Very thorough, we make sure all those kids go to a good home." He crossed his arms. "I might be a child trafficker, but I ain't a _monster_."

The was yet another long moment of silence before Bim broke it. "So, anyway... I don't know about any of you, but I have a short speech to prepare. I'm just gonna go." And without another word, he headed for the stairs, presumably up to the office, where it would—hopefully—be quiet enough to practice.

Surprisingly, it didn't take long for the others to disperse, seeming to be in various degrees of acceptance. Then again, no one had thrown much of a fit about Google's desire to 'destroy mankind' or the fact that Wil kept a fully-loaded revolver on his person at all times. Compared to that—and the fucking _demon_ that had somehow claimed the role of 'leader of the house'—someone of his profession didn't seem too out of the ordinary.

**Author's Note:**

> I like Tammy. I don't know why, but I really like Tammy. I know the ending might seem a little weird, everyone just kinda accepting it, but Ed has a point. Not too weird in comparison. Especially time after next, when everyone (well, almost everyone) finds out about Bim's 'extracurricular activities'.
> 
> Also, if anyone questions the fact that I said ten pairs of eyes instead of eleven, I would like you to please remember the Host.
> 
> FAIR WARNING: the next story involves self-harm, mentions of suicide, and a LOT of grief and depression. If any of these trigger you, PLEASE give it serious thought before reading.


End file.
